Amanda Romans smiles and giggles often as she talks about her husband Fern. Fern's eyes shine at her, and although he finds it more difficult to find the right words to express his feelings about his wife, his gentle glances and shy grin says it all.
“He's never had to talk about me like this before,” laughs Amanda. “You better say something good!”
The gentle teasing and laughter sets the tone for the interview and, in fact, has been the glue of their 20-year relationship.
“Nobody makes me laugh like him,” she says. “When I'm mad, and he knows I'm mad, he will just look at me and he's laughing. I'll say ‘stop, I just want to be mad at you so bad!'; but I can't.”
Fern says it's important to realize that disagreements will pass; and it's how you deal with them that can make or break a marriage.
“You don't want to give up. That's easy for people to do,” he says. “When we fight or argue we get to a point where the argument has gone as far as it needs to and then all of a sudden it's stopped and there's laughing.”
Lori Weldon is a psychotherapist and registered social worker at Reclaimed Counselling and Wellness Centre in St.Catharines. She says there will be fighting in every relationship, but couples in healthy relationships are able to “fight fair” and move forward.
She says there should be no bringing up the past, name calling, or degrading the other person.
“When you're in a relationship you're really vulnerable,” she says. “And when we're hurt by things we become defensive, and it's not productive. Sometimes we have to suspend our vulnerability and defensiveness. We need to be pragmatic about things and get to the layer of feelings and talk about what we need from our partner. And then it's all negotiation.”
And, she says, it's important to know when an argument is over.
“It's productive fighting,” she explains. “You kind of have to be in agreement for how long (a fight) can go on. You need to come to a solution, and even if you can't resolve it say ‘okay, we're going to suspend this for tonight and we're going to pick it up tomorrow.' Then put a time limit on it, because it can last for days or weeks.”
Weldon says communication is key for a healthy relationship.
“Communication is number one….beneath that umbrella is parenting, finances and sex. Those are the three toughest things to talk about. If you don't communicate about those things you're pretty much doomed.”
Amanda says she and Fern always make a conscious effort to talk about things, and it's why their relationship is strong.
“You have to be able to talk to each other,” says Amanda. “It's not always pretty. It's work and it can get ugly, but if you can't talk to each other or don't trust each other and communicate? There's nowhere to go without listening, patience and honesty.”
And with communication love has a better chance of survival. But why do people fall in love in the first place?
There are many reasons people are attracted to one another. Weldon says it's a mixture of science, anthropology, sociology, and even a little magic.
“There's a few things scientifically,” she says. “There are pheromones that we're not even aware of. It's a magical thing. We smell each other's pheromones and we're not even aware that we do that…also there are physical things that are attractive to people that were kind of hardwired from a very long time ago.”
She says from an anthropological view, men and women are attracted physically to those with a strong appearance of virility; for example, men with broader jaws or women with thicker hair.
Society also defines what's attractive as well, she says.
“We see those messages in the media over and over and over again,” she says. “And then mixed in with all the magic of pheromones and what we have hardwired, we make up our own mind about what attracts us to others. Some people like blue eyes. Tall. Thin. Some people like a fuller figure…some of it is a mystery too.”
And is there such a thing as a soul mate?
“I think it's sort of a magical question.” Weldon's eyes twinkle as she explains. “The idea of a soul mate has been created in mythology; it's been created in history; it's been created in religion and we're impacted by those things (and it) impacts what we believe and what we desire. I think it's been proven throughout history… that as pack animals we need to find people that we belong with, to find a tribe, and within the tribe we need to find people we connect with stronger than others.”
Weldon says people naturally connect with certain people throughout different periods of their lives.
“Whether there's a soul mate? That's a good question. Is it real? I can't answer that. Do people find their soul mate? I think absolutely. But they're working at it. They're working at maintaining connections, keeping communication and passions alive, resolving conflict well and fighting productively. Those kind of things are key.”
Are Amanda and Fern soul mates? They certainly think so.
“There will never be a time when I don't love him,” Amanda says. “I love his smile and his laugh. The way he makes me laugh. And when he is really happy his eyes change colour; they go this sparkly blue colour.”
Looking for a few tips to improve your relationship? Weldon says healthy, loving couples focus on three main things.
1. Foreplay is all day.
“A kiss, a hug, a ‘how are you?',” says Weldon. “From the moment you wake up you've got to find time in the day for each other.”
2. Communicate every single day.
“ Remind each other what it was that made you fall in love,” she says. “If your partner is the guy doing the dishes each day and he does a great job, and he never hears that from you, it easily becomes a resentment. It may feel like a small thing to you in terms of saying ‘thanks', but it really lets him understand you appreciate him.”
3. Connect physically. Often.
“We are physical beings for the most part. We have to be physically connected,” she says. “Holding hands, cuddling, kissing…physical connection with our partner reminds us why we're here. So connect every day.