The industry of humour employs a lot of people whose job it is to make you smile or laugh and in some cases, gag. Stand-up comedians turn the air blue while late night talk shows lambaste and lay waste to celebrities and politicians. Comedy is generally crude, but not on the front lawns of churches where pastors post moral proverbs for a drive-by audience of gawkers.
John Fokkens of the Brethren In Christ Church over on Highway #3 has been turning my head for decades with his sign board of semi-profound sayings, sometimes silly but always worth a look.
GOD'S LAST NAME IS NOT DAMN was the first message I got when I moved here almost 30 years ago and I was sure it was meant to be my welcome-to-the-neighbourhood message. NO SIN IS LITTLE cinched it. Oh yeah, they had seen me coming all the way from Fonthill.
Apparently pastors know about people like me and know how to make us feel guilty – WHAT IS MISSING FROM CH CH? UR!
And there's one that could almost bring me back to the church – DOG SPELLED BACKWARDS IS STILL MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
Some are meant to change your attitude. BE HUMBLE OR YOU'LL STUMBLE is particularly poignant during election campaigns. And to Canadians especially – DON'T WHINE BUT SHINE.
John said that after he ran 1 WEEK WITHOUT CHURCH MAKES ONE WEAK , he got several calls about a spelling mistake.
Unlike the signs that farmers post in these parts, at the Brethren In Christ Church – TREPASSERS ARE WELCOME HERE.
A few sayings sound like Chinese proverbs – MAN WITH THICK HEAD MAKES THIN CONVERSATION. Some would make for great tattoos – LOVE MANY, TRUST FEW. PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. And all are meant to bring perspective – NEXT TIME U THINK UR PERFECT TRY WALKING ON WATER. No doubt some smart-ass ice fisherman believes he's got this one beat.
And yes it is important to remind yourself that EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD ONE.
This one sounds like an open invitation to join the congregation from someone with a lisp – COME 2 CHURCH 4 A FAITH-LIFT.
Anne Vanderknyff at Wainfleet's Maranatha Reformed Church is a bit of a hipster when it comes to her lawn signs. JESUS IS MY ROCK AND MY NAME IS ON THE ROLL. Then READ THE BIBLE. IT WILL SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU. I have and it did.
Some signs are undeniable – IT'S HARD TO STUMBLE WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR KNEES.
Anne's big on ocean themes. MAN'S EXPERTS MADE THE TITANIC. GOD'S AMATEURS MADE THE ARK. That's a bit of one-ups-manship in craftsmanship.
Sort of Titanic related – GOD PROMISED A SAFE LANDING, NOT SMOOTH SAILING.
And the one I like but don't get – WHAT DID NOAH DO WITH THE WOODPECKERS?
Some interesting church signs are now popping up on websites as well. READ THE BIBLE. IT'S USER FRIENDLY PLUS WE OFFER TECH SUPPORT ON SUNDAYS.
It would seem the church is challenging the net head on – THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS THAT CANNOT BE ANSWERED BY GOOGLE.
Apparently the parking lot of the Christian Fellowship Church is attracting non-church goers but they have found a unique solution to the problem – CHURCH PARKING TREPASSERS WILL BE BAPTISED.
Car congestion worked its way into yet another religious lawn sign – KEEP USING MY NAME IN VAIN AND I'LL MAKE RUSH HOUR LONGER – GOD.
The South End Baptist Church had to dig out their church sign from underneath five feet of snow in order to announce – WHOEVER IS PRAYING FOR SNOW, PLEASE STOP!
The First Baptist Church posted a sign on the lawn that, although I do not understand it I'm sure it made more than a few parishioners nervous – WORSHIP 10 A.M. WHO'S YOUR DADDY? DR. HARVEY PARKER.
The Ray Of Hope Community Church is dealing with a rather unique trespasser – THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE COPPER FROM THE AC UNIT.
While the Stonebridge Church of God is doing the work of the Lord and the police – HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS. TEXT WHILE DRIVING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM.
And in case you believe that religion does not have a sense of humour or that futility cannot be briefly beautiful – ADAM BLAMED EVE. EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE. AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
From The First Church Of Awesome Works (what would Jesus think of that name?) comes a little homily that borders on brilliant – HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER? WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT!
And one that's not quite so ingenious but still a personal favourite is the sign I spotted on the lawn of a church in Fredonia, New York years ago. SERMON SUNDAY 10 A.M. IF YOU'RE TIRED OF SIN, COME IN. And underneath hand-written in red lipstick were the words – IF YOU'RE NOT, CALL RITA 716-894-2010.
Humour springs eternal on the front lawns of Niagara churches. Thank Dog.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca